Aidan...October 11, 2001

October 11 2001 was my 9/11. If fact, I've related to people that I honestly don't remember 911 except when I read about it. It was only a year or so ago that I realized how many people were killed. I think it's call being traumatized.

Something happened on that October day that none of us were prepared for. In fact I can say without a doubt, no one had even a feeling of foreboding or anything. Maybe that is why it hit us so hard and has taken us all so long to recover.

I can remember being busy with my Day Care children arriving when the phone rang. I knew it was Daniel, but I was expecting to hear that Katherine was in labor and they were off to have our first grandson! But the moment I heard my son's quivering voice I KNEW something was wrong. Katherine had not felt Aidan move all night.

We all tried to reassure each other and I tried to reassure Daniel, everything was going to be fine. But nothing was fine and nothing will ever quite be the same. Maybe we all lost our feeling of being indestructible that day. We turned to God, of course. But turning to God, does NOT mean you don't feel like you just want to die too.

My God comforted me thru those next few days but no one felt comfort on that day.

I could go back and relive every single second of that day.. It is burned into my Consciousness. I won't relive every second because it is all just way too painful. But I will tell you that I have a friend named Heather that I will forever be grateful too. She knew I could not drive over there(to Winchester) and she took me. I will also tell you that I never ever want to see the look on my husbands face that I saw when we drove up in front of the hospital. The total gut wrenching grief that I've never seen and hope to never see again.

It was a long day and a long night. I remember every detail of every second. This beautiful perfect in every way little boy with dark curly hair like his Mom and his Daddy's sweet face. I held him. Everyone held him except his Papa, he could not. he kissed him.

The days before the funeral and funeral day were so hard, I feel paralized even now. I think it was the first time in my life I felt like what it feels like to have your heart break. And our dear Albert, standing there with tears running down his cheeks, he had been there for Daniel and his spiritual journey for most of his life.

And now 8 years have passed. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways like it was yesterday. My mother, Aidan and Riley's Momma are buried together. I choose to think of them that way.. Angela and my mom fussing over baby Aidan and laughing and loving and caring for him. For he will always be a baby to us.

But things have moved forward.. Aidan has a brother and oh brother what a brother :) Liam is the polar opposite of Aidan in looks but I can picture how it would be for Liam to have a big brother to rough and tumble with, just like he has all his boy cousins.. Liam does not take Aidan's place and never ever have we thought that, but he does ease every ones pain.

To Daniel and Katherine, I only say God bless you and comfort you and help you see the joy in what you have. You know that a day does not pass that we don't think of what might have been.

We love you, we love Aidan and we love Liam with all our hearts and we always well. Anyone who has lost a child or a grandchild(and I'm not talking about miscarriage, I've been there several times and I KNOW the difference) knows that nothing ever replaces that child, and nothing we say or do will change things, we just pray for your peace..this day and all days..

And today the angels will sing for our baby angel's birthday~

Awaiting the touch of his litte hand

the smile of his little face

he was born into the arms of angels

step softly

Our dream lies buried here.